On the Buses

Its time for a whinge today about public transport.  You’ll see the gamete of human behaviour on buses and trains.  I think I’ve just bout seen it all. 

On the buses there are some common and definable bus character types. (Public Transport Personality Types - PTPT) These are just a few of my personal favourites:

“The Erol Flynn”: this is the joker (mostly male) who you’ll see sitting against the window (most WA buses have two per person seat configurations) with their legs spread super wide. Because yes mate, you have a massive cORRRRrrk!  Yes yes I know its cramped and the seats are way to small but seriously dude keep to your side of the seat.  Typically this moron will be wanna be metrosexual and usually be sporting an “Elwood” teeshirt maybe even some more pathetic from Ed Hardy .  Did you get the memo fool.. yes you’re a dickhead!  When sitting in the aisle, these are also commonly the wankers who won’t actually stand up to let you out if its your stop. They're also pretty angry because they had to catch public transport because their Maloo HSV ute just got impounded under WA's Hoon Laws. They’ll make a piss poor effort to barely shuffle their knees out of the way to let you out.  The shot-put in my man-bag swung "accidentally" during the awkward clammer to get off usually sorts these fools out. 

“Grass is Greener-er”:  This chappy will reluctantly sit next to you but just can’t wait to upgrade to a free two seater space when it becomes available.  "Ya living the white picket fence dream now hey buddy!"  The worst of these species will still want to move even when they have the window seat!  
As an interesting aside to this - Seat Etiquette behaviour. Okay, when you are sitting next to someone and you’re in the aisle seat and the bus  empties so there is plenty of “twozys” (two seaters) available.  Do you move?  Do you stay?  If you move is that rude? You know will it shatter ya new found bus friend’s self esteem?  Or are you a strange freako if you stay? 


"Seat Hopper Shopper":  These varmints are related to the “Grass is Greener” species only they just can’t decide which seat is worthy of their precious arse in the first place.  They’ll start at the front of the bus examining seats for imperfections.. "oooOhoo I just can't possibly choose". Then begin to settle their arse into a seat only to discover in horror it has a 15 year old baby spew stain.  So they’re up and off.. Searching some more for that elusive perfect seat.  

Luxury WA Buses, the best bit -empty!

They’ll compare and contrast scanning in infra-red and evaluating seat physical and positioning characteristics.  "Ooo this seat has non graffiti views, its close to the door... location location location ooo I don't like the look of that guy" (Erol). Its a lot for their Pentium 2 MMX brain to take in.  I particularly like when once they’ve chosen their new found seat love.. someone sits next to them and they begin to snif .. snif.. and realise in horror that yes their seat is in fact wet from piss or is the odour coming from their new seat companion?  Heres a tip to remember; wet seats look like new seat covers losers!!  Also the 3rd seat row after the back door is always on top of a wheel arch so you’ll be wearing your knees as earrings if you pick this seat.

The Fort Nox:  These geniuses will usually use their suitcase or bag as a strategic defense system to block out the aisle seat so they can sit luxuriously against the window.  I’ve seen some bags used by these morons which have a deploy-able moat (with sharks+crocodiles) and drawbridge attachment.  I particularly love watching them reassemble and reclaim their bags feverishly when you just stand waiting.... ever more so when you motion to touch their bag to move it for them! 

"The Hibernator": Our nocturnal fellow bus traveling friend either sits in the aisle seat or takes up both seats pretending to be asleep. Yepp thats right, its not uncommon for a bus traveler to be one or more of these bus character types at once. Some Hibernators also try to employ "Fort Nox" seat defense bag tactics.  "I can see your eyes moving dude!! Hello!"  Its funny how they always manage to magically awaken the instant before you PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE! .. or you drop 20 cents at their feet. 

"Sleepy/Stressed Student": These guys can be seen scurrying amongst a nest of papers and study notes in a last mad cramming panic for the exam they are already late to.  Guaranteed a “Dopey Tourist” or “Disorganised Sally” will make them even later.  If they’re not cramming  you’ll see them fast asleep or nodding off – usually towards your shoulder.  Thats because they’re also working 4 jobs (one being mum and dad’s Chinese take-away)  studying and playing “Other Life”. Or out partying damn them!!  Bus trips are the only chance to sleep they get.


"Dirk Hartog":“This is my fuken spot and I’m claiming it for my mother country!!”. These morons get on the bus stagger a few steps gripping a railing for dear life and they won’t move.  There maybe be 20 seats spare or worse spare seats down the back of the bus.. but nope “I’m staying right here mutherfukkkers”  is what they on the edge of insanity growl softly under their breath.  For some reason (maybe they are more intuitive than I give them credit for) they believe we're all about to overturn Poseiden Adventure disaster movie style. Their eyes dart around in a paranoid panic when the next poor soul trys to squeeze past them. Yes these guys can often also be “Shoppers” and or Fort Knox soldiers, but more so in their infancy.  They have’nt worked out that they can stake a claim to guess what.... A  SEAT genius!!!  Typically these guys will bank up the aisle in the front section of the bus with there being plenty of seats still spare.

 

"Public Shopper" (Shepard): I kinda like these guys, well not really. They get on the bus with 4-5 plastic shopping bags full of the weekly shop.  Sometimes its only one or two bags with either random groceries (like bottled gherkins) or necessities like an 18 pak of bog rolls.  They always hustle themselves up the front of the bus right in the aisle blocking everyone of course.  Why I like these guys is because your bus driver is an arsehole and loves to brake digitally, your bound to have a jerky uncomfortable ride -  So, their plastic shopping bag is guaranteed to break. A 3 litre coke bottle or full clip of baked bean cans is bound to machine gun down the bus floor and under all the seats.  It makes for some good old donkey kong barrel jumping memories.  Priceless also is the humor in watching our shopper friend internally debate in that golden micro moment -  if should they stay and guard their remaining grocery flock; or take off after the escapees from the herd? 

"The Surgeons": OoErr I shudder just thinking about these guys.  They seem to think its perfectly okay and acceptable to perform self administered medical procedures on the bus.  I’ve seen a liver transplant, male prostate exam, 3 digit nostril enlargement ..  okay maybe non of those.   But there is the good old “pick ya nose and eat it”..  zit puncturers..  and most recently this woman who took much pleasure in scraping off old brown heel flakes with her credit card and flicking them. 

"Leftovers Lucy": Smells.  Public transport has a myriad of them. Mostly though they are part of the fecal group family.  However, often you’ll get food smells too.  Now these are not the delicious cooking smells like chips or BBQ chicken and steaks.  These are the last nights or lunch time’s KunG Poo beef leftovers.  There is only one thing worse on the bus than the cold stench burst when the plastic lid is ruptured.  It is the squooshy poo  surround SOUND you hear from the seat behind you when mr meal economiser tucks in to EASTS his cold shit tray. 

"Princess Mutton": She’s the “mutton dressed up as lamb” girl who ran out of time to do her makeup at home and or prefers to apply it on a moving public transport vehicle.  Its never a case of less is more with these gals too.  The grimacing faces these woman pull while putting on their makeup are priceless with their resulting “face Orrn” bound to scare little children. These girls think "Erols" are their perfect man. 

"Dopey Helga": from Sveeden has two giant rucksacks and is always unprepared for public transport.  But you can't help but love Helga, she's living the dream.. seeing "Orstrayia" and of course is on holidays. Whereas its Monday morning and you are off to the office.  Helga is always very friendly and LOST! So you can play friendly Aussie tourist guide and get her where she wants to go - Usually the backpackers.  Play your cards right and she'll show you her titties for sure!

"Disorganised Sally": This is the person who catches the bus everyday yet still hasn't worked out how to prepare themselves to get onto the bus. They'll be waiting at the bus stop 5 mins early yet they'll take another 5 minutes to extract their bus fare from some Babushka doll like bag-purse-purse while standing in front of the driver.  

Some of these are just too good as well!! Thanks Michelle!!

"Flamboyant Phillipe"

There is also the Flamboyant Phillipe usually in from the eastern states, cut off designer denim shorts, Paul Smith shirt and on his mobile phone, 'oh this's city is shhiiitttt'. This chap moves down the aisle with the grace of a gazelle and casually sits with legs crossed wincing at the surrounds. He then disembarks at Subi before announcing in a thespian like, 'Cheerio'.

Then there is "The Talker".
No matter what they simply must sit next to me. Usually they are advanced in their years with a fully paid up funeral plan. They must know everything about you; marital staus, children, occupation, where you live, your family history. Of course they dont listen as it is just a prelude to their massive mouth gaping, cluttering and clacking about the ills of the world which frankly is my generation's fault. Of course it's the bus ride home where this lecture occurs and I am too weak to repel the onslaught.

"The iPod on fckn loud commuter"
Oh yes this creature. I love my iPod as much as the next person but I like to think the grooves of John Coltrane, Ella, Billie or Miles is my aural business only an not something that needs to be partially shared with others. Fckn loud commuter must, I say must, have Rihanna, Gaga, bumpa, bumpa, thumpa so loud that the musical leakage penetrates my enjoyment of trying to chill back on a stained bus seat hoping that the day will bring me ten less fckwits than yesterday. Ima be taking scissors on the bus to snip these top forty musical traitors of taste.

"The Pinball School Girl"
Why, oh why does the educational institutions demand these poor souls need a bag the size of the inside of a Tardis to carry around when now days you can put all your shit into an iPad or laptop? This poor creature upon attempting to disembark is, due to the heavy ness of their shoulder Tardis, pinballed along the aisle like a silver ball stuck in a 70s KISS pinnie machine 

"I couldn't be fcked looking in the mirror/ I look great in the mirror commuter"
It is likely I have been accused of having this trait, however, but really, did you think that the skirt which really is a head band looks good on you when the girth of gut is bigger than Tony Abbot's moron quotient? Oh and please cover those delightful prison style tattoos, what was ya thinkin when you got that inkin'? 

"The, is it a he or a she?"
Yes, this commuter presents a challenge, he or she? Look around their neck, is there an Adam's Apple? Pre or post op gender reassignment? Have I once dated him/her... 

"The Strange Old Man or I am the Sheriff of Kings Park Road"
This strange, yet 'interesting' senior cit is to be found wearing a cowboy hat with a feather and twig attached, also adorned with a classic denim jacket on to which he has a Sheriffs badge, no, not the children's type but a big ass shiny metal Sheriffs badge just in case you did not know that, 'he is the lawman in these here parts' . To this outfit he has an Egyptian symbol for everlasting life is the Ankh attached to a
big, long metal chain around his neck. As each commuter embarks on to the bus he stares and waves. So, the next time you need a lawman who just may have the answer to eternal life I suggest you board bus 103.

"The dumb ass driver does not know where he is going"
We have all had this dreadful moment which is almost always on the commute home so everyone is desperate to make it home before they miss the high brow, extremely intellectual educational edition of Today Tonight.
It goes like this, you just know the shits gonna hit the fanbelt when the driver asks you if you know what the route of the bus is. You think they panicked in the film Speed but that ain't nothing when your bus makes a U turn, goes up the wrong streets and asks the passengers for directions. No stops are made, no passengers let off or collected; it's a hayride bound for hell when in any moment Rod Sterling will appear, announcing, 'you have just entered the Twighlight Zone'. Cue theme...

"Winter of Discontent"
You know this one, it's winter, flu/cold season and you've had the flu jab, not had a cold for years, managed to avoid the sputumous colleagues at the office without injury. Your enemy is from within the confines of a bus ride. Cough, sneeze, splutter, choke, sniff, snot, these fckers never ever cover their vile contagious secretional orifices. I hate them one and all. They are usually behind me so that if the moment were to be filmed in slow motion the secretions would be visible in their journey which ends up all over me.

And you wonder why I carry that hand disinfectant shit around with me? Seriously, ima be wearing a firemans facial PPE fully equipped outfit next winter so sneeze bitches sneeze!